My Eating Disorder Journey

Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted, free the captives, replace tears with joys, and give beauty for ashes. These verses in Isaish 61 have become very personal to me in my journey of recovering from an eating disorder. I will share glimpses of my journey in hopes that some other hurting soul may get a glimpse of hope.

As a very sensitive child I thought deeply, felt deeply, and I was super- aware of everything and everyone around me. Because of pain and insecurities in my childhood, I internalized a lot of false beliefs about God, myself, and authority, which in turn brought much fear, shame, and a deep longing to be good enough. I also carried a very heavy load of responsibility for my parents and siblings and came to believe everything negative that happened was my fault: sickness, death of a sibling, stress in general. Of course, this was too heavy a load to carry and drove me to performing. But no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. As an adolescent, the shame I felt toward my body increased, and I turned to food, or rather away from food, in an attempt to control my form and secure my world.

Of course, I didn’t know there was such a thing as an eating disorder, or that I was walking into a prison that would wrap its strong fetters around me tighter and tighter for the next two decades and almost take my life. all I knew was that as the pounds dropped off, my sense of worth and safety rose. it happened very slowly, one “little” lie at a time. But as my weight dropped, the eating disorder voice grew louder: more threatening and confusing. “If you eat that, you will need to punish yourself. You don’t deserve to eat anything you like. If you could try harder, bad things wouldn’t happen to your family.” Slowly I lost my identity to this cruel taskmaster who was never satisfied. In desperation to get the shame and pain and bad feelings out of me, I began to purge, swallow a handful of laxatives, and exercise excessively. work became my driving performance. I stuffed down the pain and buried myself in work to help me cope. Still ED’s voices brought overpowering guilt and condemnation. “If you would fast often enough then God would love and accept you. You aren’t good enough to eat. You don’t deserve food. You must try harder to please God.” I longed to please God, and yet I was afraid of Him. I had become very confused. no matter how much weight I lost, it was never enough. I hated myself and my body and was scared by how powerless I was to stop. I was purging several times a day. Eating disorders are very real and very cruel. I cried and prayed and confessed to God… My health crashed, as ED’s lies were taking their toll on my physical health as well. The next years my parents took me from one doctor, nutritionist, and health coach to the next. I was put on strict diets, bottles and bottles of supplements, antibiotics, intense detoxes, cleanses, and IV’s. The improvements never lasted long. My body was worn out and we didn’t know what else to try. By this time, the depression was so dark, I just wanted to die. I had all hope and any desire to live.

And then, by God’s mercies, my family got in contact with those starting Peaceful Meadows Recovery Center. As the facility was not yet completed. I spent several months at a commercial ERC. I gained weight and experienced the pain of getting my body to once again handle food. Of course, the real issues were still unresolved. Eventually the doors at PMRC were opened for me. I was put on a balanced meal plan by the dietician and experienced the safety and structure of a family environment. I’m still deeply grateful for the Christian atmosphere, which was far from present at the facility, and the network of support around me. The staff encouraged me and believed for me until I was again able to get a glimpse of hope and desire to live again. I was surrounded with patience, acceptance, and unconditional love, which was sometimes the tough love I needed to push forward. Eventually, I found the desire to want to get better for my future and not only for my family’s sake. As a child and youth, my brain lived in the fight or flight state, constantly on guard for danger. Of course, that constant was too much, and I eventually shut down as a way to cope. On the outside, everything appeared fine when inside was chaos. At PMRC, it took months for my brain to regulate so that I could work through and process the long – ago pain. A relationship with my own horse (who never judged me), equine therapy, square breathing, counseling, and also working with a young hurting child were all part of the healing process,

I still face triggers that automatically bring flashbacks, but I am more aware of what is happening and have learned healthy ways to process it. Recognizing the lies I was believing and very intentionally replacing them with the truth is a continual work. Also, learning to separate the voices in my head as either my healthy self of unhealth self has helped to bring clarity to the mental jumble.

Recovery is fighting against everything that was your safety in the past, doing exactly opposite of what feels right. It is hard work, struggle, and tears, as you replace the deep grooves of lies in your mind with truth. And it’s choosing to act on those truths a thousand times over, even when the old beliefs still feel true.

Today, I am grateful to be alive. Yes, I still need accountability, I still follow a meal plan and every day I still fight against the lies that were slowly taking my life. but now I have a reason to hope and dream, and a reason to hold that same hope to other hurting hearts until they are able to find themselves. And while I still make plenty mistakes, I no longer believe that I am one! If you or someone you know struggles with any of these beliefs or similar fears, please reach out to someone you trust. Jesus’ healing and freedom are possible for you, too!